Hart Squash

With team players thin on the ground this week, some occasional players stepped up to the mark.
However, it was one of the regulars, Elliot, who started the ball rolling against a very experienced lady player who has beaten some very good players in the past, not least a few from Hart! Elliot made a fantastic start taking the first comfortably whilst his opponent calculated her strategy. For the rest of the match, she was dominant and Elliot was unable to regain the initiative. Whilst deeply disappointed, it was no disgrace losing 3~1 to this lady.
Mac was also having a very difficult game against a young South African who, whilst not the most stylish, certainly kept getting the ball back, much to Mac’s frustration. Mac took the first easily, but lost the second equally so. The 3rd was titanic with Mac fighting every inch of the way and taking it 10~8. Unfortunately the 4th drifted away and with Mac running out of ideas, so did the 5th. O well!!
Zul had his work cut out playing at one and it proved a tough ask – with the ball refusing to die when he wanted it to! He ran and chased but his opponent was too consistent. The ball simply would not die, and a 3~0 defeat ensued.
Swashbuckling Hilmar was back! Ready to take the attack to his opponent and it looked good after the first with a 9~5 win. But would the match rustiness catch up with him? Even stevens in the 2nd up to 6~6, but then the game went away from him and the match was squared up. His opponent seemed to have got the upper hand but there were periods during the next 2 when Hilmar again dominated, picking up a succession of points. But it was not enough and it was another 3~1 reverse.
Cool, calm Rob W (3) was last on and trying to pick up some points. He was relaxed and raring to go, but unfortunately the start was a bit stuttering. Nonetheless he settled and found his rhythm to square the match. The confidence grew & was clearly showing through as he found top form and played his opponent off the court. Rob eased down a bit in the 4th, and his opponent reversed the trend, tying it up again. So, one more game – it was clear that rip-roaring Rob still had loads of energy – and his confident shot-making returned, winning the key rallies with excellent width & length. A very entertaining game with the right outcome – a rewarding 3~2 win for Hart, and the best left til last!

The cast:

Chris ‘600 series’ Locks

Ashley ‘mad thrasher’ Stanton

Rob the mad dog v1 Barker

James ‘chico’ Woodhall.

Jas ‘the marine machine’ Knight

First on was Rob ‘the Mad Dog v1 (TMD)’ Barker, with a shiny thick coat that looked like his keeper had been feeding him on SA37 healthy coat supplements. His opponent, however, looked like he was midway through his ‘advanced hair studio’ thickening course – the same one Shane Warne advertises! It is an expensive and painful course of treatment so you would expect it to work. Seeing the Dogs coat glimmering with a deep gloss under the court lights, it set the scene for a twisted game of revenge………

The squash went out of the window and Shane Warnes mate was obsessed with winning at all costs. In game 2 TMD sliced a ball with neuro-surgeon accuracy to win the game. TMD walked off the court only to be brought back on when Shane Warnes sidekick (the marker) called it down.  TMD was told to come back only to tasered to the floor like a chav on the run by the marker again & again but he fought gallantly against the two of them. Sadly TMD was cheated by 3 games to 1. His application and dedication deserved my Great Grandads VC from the Boer war!!

On the other court was James ‘Chico’.  He was fresh back from USA having spent much of his time dining in Pink Taco’s. His opponent was an older player with skill and deception. Chico lost the first game quickly, giving away too much court, as much as

Divine Browns cleavage when she ‘nursed’ Hugh Grant in the front seat of his car. Chico turned up the pace for the rest of the match like the speed of Hugh Grants flies going up when he got caught by the LAPD on the highway of heaven with divine brown. He threw in a variety of nice drops & reassuringly the match was marked well & played in a good spirit. A well deserved 3~1 victory for the taco-eating chica hunter.

Jas ‘The Mean Machine’ & his opponent had bonded on the balcony with stories of knee operations and newly sired children.  Martin has had 2 knee operations compared to TMM’s one.  Jason, being a sporting kind man wanted to help to build Martins confidence again knowing the pain and mental anguish that’s experienced on the way back from a bad knee injury. Martin took control of the game and dominated from the start.  There were few long rallies and for TMM it was a disappointing performance and 3~0 loss. On returning home Jas was once again banished to the understairs cupboard.

Next up was Chris ‘600 series’ who unplugged himself from the wall to play the world deaf champion. Martin commented on 600 not sweating and he was right.  After the first game 600 had to change his shoes due to wearing out all the rubber on the soles. The Charters player moved round the court with the grace and ease of the elastic man and retrieved every shot like a Labrador gun dog on speed. A valiant fight from 600 but the scoreline showed a 3~0 loss. It looks like we need to get a T-800 in for the next match.

Last but no least Ashley ‘mad thrasher’, was recovering from a swollen spleen but he put on a fine show. A well-mannered match played in the spirit of English gentry from a rural Sunday cricket match, with cream cakes and scones served by delightful old ladies.

It was clear that there was a close bond between them as they discussed course modules on their university courses. After some serious thrashing which Cheryl Cole would be pound of, the end result was 3-1 loss.

Overall a 4-1 defeat, but the curry in the spinning studio was good.

Going on first was the ever reliable, Paul hasn’t-lost-a-game-so-far Barker, the perfect No 5, the Honda-civic of the team, guaranteed to run out a consistent performance of neat and tidy squash. The first game was over in a whimper as Paul struggled to get the opponent off the T – he did admittedly
take up most of the middle court simply by standing there. Was an upset on the cards? After a team talk with Tom during the break, he was sure to improve, but alas the 2nd and 3rd games soon went past. Fear not, the real Paul will soon be back…
Meanwhile, on the other court, Ashley started lively with some controlled shots against a little midget who could hit the ball well but didn’t like to run (we all like playing these). Keeping it tight and with plenty of drops, this proved a fairly easy 3-0 win.
The competition, however, stepped up when the Silver Fox stepped onto court against a cross between Rob Barker and Warren Vye (picture that if you can). The opponent won the warm-up comfortably showing off his stroke play and twatting the ball to within an inch of its life but could only do this in
bits throughout the match. After losing the first Phil stepped it up, winning the next 2 games. Would his opponent start running again? Could Phil keep up the pressure? The fourth went by as a few mistakes crept in, leaving it carefully poised at 2-2. In the fifth, the crowd gathered as the scores crept in -1 for you, 1 for me. Unfortunately, Phil lost out in a tight game and left us with a challenge at 1 and 2.
Rick, by now had gone on court, but struggled to get his game into first gear against a tricky player and despite stretching from the T to any part of court without ever moving his legs, couldn’t quite get it going. 3-0 loss.
It was now almost 9.15 by the time Tom got on court against an opponent against whom he had lost twice before, but in a rich vein of form and fuelled with 6 weeks of holiday time on the horizon, the rallies went on…and on…and on… 2-0 up at 10pm and surely Tom would be able to finish off the match. Even the drops were going in but in need of more training with the marine machine, the engine spluttered and gradually he lost the third. Thankfully, his opponent had lost even more fuel and the 4th went to Tom for a well-won victory.
A 3-2 loss and one we could have won. Isn’t that always the story!

The second team was away to Bounty, located in a tropical paradise on the outskirts of glimmering Basingstoke.

There was a new dog in town (Paul) with freshly clipped claws, & playing like a trusty black family Labrador.  There was no biting in this one; only the nails of those in the gallery. The Dog v2 ran like he was a working game dog on a pheasant shoot with Prince Charles.  With the stamina he showed, his parents must have fed him on the finest pedigree chum since a pup. The game was an emotional marathon roller coaster with long rallies like they were going out of fashion. A fine deserving 3-1 win for the Dog.

Next up was Phil the Silver Fox who still looks younger than his silver locks might suggest.  He was up against another silver fox of similar age but not as good looking.  Our Silver Fox was striking the ball hard and kept away from the baying hounds for a respectable length of time. Both foxes played like wily old foxes but the tricky left handed Bounty fox proved to be a little more cunning with some good length and width. An unlucky 3~1 loss but being asked for ID In the bar was some consolation.

Next up was Ian the Mac daddy. Playing against an opponent who looked like a rare white leopard on the endangered list with his dark beard and white spots. He reminded me of Robin Cousins on ice with the way he moved around the court. Both players took the ball within an inch of its life with every shot, reminiscent of the power used on the spinner-specced SUV by Mrs Tiger Woods when she found out about all the strippers he had been ‘hanging’ with. Mac lost the first, came back strong in the second but just didn’t quite have the luck to clinch it. The third was also close – but no Monica Lewinsky cigar. Mac ‘went down’ well as he always does but a 3 0 loss.

Next up was USS Elliot.  Playing against a bald Swedish looking man, who looked like he drove a Volvo, Eliot thrashed the ball like a Dominatrix madam on a city banker in an S & M den. In the gallery was a TV crew, including a ‘beeper’ operator as the game was aired live. After the first game the operator had to retire with RSI due to the frequency of abusive language. Moreover rackets were thrown to the floor in disgust with the same venom as Wayne Bridge on discovering that Sir John Terry was practicing his ball skills with his wife to be. The Bounty player continued with his VOLVO like consistency and broke Elliot down. Sadly a 3 0 loss.

Last up was the marine machine Knight. Fresh from some altitude training and sports psychology camp deep in the Cotswold’s with Dog v1 (+ WAGS), he had some new regimes to stick to. His opponent was a kiwi who had a backhand worthy of a gladiator slaying slaves in a roman gladiatorial amphitheatre. This being the case ‘the machine’ had suspicions that the Kiwi was in fact the secret love child sired from a night in the squash cupboard between Liz Irving and Jahangir Khan. The Machine ran like a roman warrior through chest high pampas grass in the first game but it wasn’t enough… In deep moments of need, visions of red mist and splintered graphite were replaced with visions of patchwork quilt Cotswold’s countryside.  To add some variety during the moments of need the patchwork quilt countryside was replaced with visions of diving in the Indian Ocean with rare hawk-billed

turtles. Sadly a 3 0 loss, and with ‘the Machines’ empress wife spectating and the shame of loss, he was dispatched to return to the squash cupboard as punishment until victory is secured again on another day……

As we ate dinner with shimmering blue lights in the distance, it felt more like Vegas. We dined on spicy chicken curry along with some carrot pickle fresh from Pakistan. Unfortunately the taste of the Bounty was not as sweet as remembered as the TV advert with bounty trees and naked women. Overall a 4-1 loss but the second team will fight on and triumph again.

After being demoted to the first team at the last minute, Rob (5) was on court first. After 3 previous 3-2 matches, why break the norm and again this was a 3-2 match. At 9-2 and 6-1 up, Rob was cruising. However errors and Ashley style drop shots, meant his opponent came racing back to win the second and third games. At 2-1 down, Rob thought enough is enough and stepped back on the gas to win the fourth. With a whole host of Stanton’s watching and the threat of another choke, Rob took the incentive and won the fifth 9-1.
Robbi (1) brought his Mum down to help cheer him on. He needed all the help he could get against a very good opponent! Robbi did not get much from this match and quickly lost 3-0. In the post match analysis (burger and chips in pub), Robbi's mum explained how he was the sweetest and loveliest of her 4 boys. Hmmmm...
Due to my match taking a long time, again I did not have chance to see Gareth play. However his opponent despite making lots of errors, could not handle Gareth's "wasp like" movement around the court. Gareth winning easily and comfortably 3-0.
In a match of the magnitude of a Shabana v Ashour or the movie epic of Kramer vs Kramer.. We had Stanton vs Stanton.  Stefan (3) against uncle Dave.  Stefan knowing that he had a poorly knee (yes I endured the whinging the previous day), fought bravely in a match that could have turned the court into a swimming pool with the amount of sweat being dropped.  At 2-2 this was a tight game, however Stefan felt the tightening around the neck and managed to choke the last, losing 9-0.
Chris (2) having turned up late due to working late (must have been a sale on in LIDL's), played a canny opponent who just did not play orthodox squash.  Chris with one eye on Silverstone and the other, well somewhere else.. did not put his opponent under pressure and struggled to make an impact. Chris making too many errors lost 3-0. Overall a 3-2 defeat (16-8)