Hart Squash

The third team set off for Reading University feeling fairly confident until we arrived and the opposition welcomed the Hart second team.

It did not look too hopeful as Mac informed us he played football for the first time in 15 years at the weekend, said he sprinted down the pitch like a young gazelle for first 10 minutes then the hamstring went. Only playing today to make up the numbers. Good omens then.

On with the match, Mac and Kerry went on first. As he predicted Mac made short work of his match, only prolonged when out of pity opponent started hitting ball back to him, so a 0-3 loss

Kerry started slowly, sped up in the middle and then slowed down again, a 1-3 loss.

Tom said he was in a hurry, 42 points later the score was 0-0 and marker was looking desperate as each ralley was about 42 shots as well. The Chinese was booked for 10.00pm and we were all getting worried. Match finally came to life but not in our favour 0-3

Meanwhile Elliott was playing a friend of Stefan who in the home match only let Simon have 3 points, so not much chance here. However, Elliott had not read the script and played like a man possessed for a creditable 2-3 defeat.

Could Paul give us something to cheer at 5? He started well and comfortably won the first game, but something went wrong & fortunes were reversed. He was now 1-2 down but he was fighting hard with lots of long rallies. Finally his opponents legs were gone, problem Paul was 4-8 down by then, he pulled it back to 7 but that was it. 1-3 and 0-5 overall.

So next we took on the Chinese, the starters kept coming but Tom was eating fast and with support from Kerry there was only one winner so a convincing 1-0 to Hart. The main courses were more tricky as they could not all fit on the table, Kerry with commendable effort managed to clear some space but it was still looking tough but then Paul arrived from the showers. So with a fine effort another round to Hart. Now for the tough one, dessert, and we were one down as Tom had to go (some excuse about going on holiday in the morning). The fresh fruit was sliced and ready for us but now we were only 4. Never fear Elliott and Mac had been saving themselves and Kerry, well he had never looked in trouble. Final score Hart 3 – Chinese Buffet 0.

Team:

James ‘chico’ Woodhall

Simon ‘the axe man’ Wood

Paul ‘the chemist’ Kemsley

Jason ‘the marine machine’ Knight

Elliot ‘UFC’ Stanton

This week the seconds traveled to Herongate in Hungerford; a journey that was so far it felt like we were arriving at Everest base camp in Nepal!

The courts had a unique sound to them as the ball ricochet off the walls – some would say louder than Casey stoner v4 Ducati motogp bike at full throttle.

First up was the Axe man, playing a crafty unorthodox slicer whose USP was his cheeky trickle boast. The axe man was forced to round as fast as Paul McCartney chopping up Heather Mills spare peg leg. It was one-a-piece and then to 2 all. But the Axe man dug in like an ice axe from a desperate climber falling down an icy slope, and came back stronger than Geoff Capes on speed. A fine 3-2 victory.

Elliot ‘UFC’ was playing a slightly older guy with a pair of Telly Savalas clear lenses on. They seemed to work initially forcing Elliot into more errors than Michael Fishs hurricane prediction software in 1987. Playing on court as angry as former UFC world champ Chuck Liddell after losing his 4th consecutive comeback fight. However UFC managed to hang on like Sylvester stallone in cliffhanger and grab a good 3-2 victory

Next up was the Marine Machine who, fresh from a recent service and fine-tuning at Huskie Dog’s, looked ready for action. Continuing with the New Game plan from the last training camp, cross-courts were used with restraint. Despite occasional loss of concentration, resulting in ‘cross courts R us’ , MM went 2 games up. And visions of another week spent in the damp understairs cupboard ensured that there were no slip-ups, so like a scene from ‘Spartacus blood and sand’ MM had a well deserved 3-0 victory.

The Chemist put his late arrival down to concoction mixing at home. There were some long rallies but the usual clinical shot making (like that of an Al qaeda bomb maker) seemed to forgo him. Sadly a 3 nil loss. So it’s back to the laboratory this week to mix a new improved concoction for the next match.

Last on was Chico. The ball was as hot as his la Chica and running round as fast as Jordan’s breasts bouncing up and down in a half- marathon  – it was going to be a fast match! The ball was launching off strings like an apache launched missile hunting down Bin Laden. There were some nice long rallies – as long as Tiger Woods but unfortunately no cigar. And too many mistakes – matching as many notches on Jenna Jameson’s bedpost – led to a 3-0 loss and some more pink taco required.

But overall a 3-2 victory – onward and upward

With team players thin on the ground this week, some occasional players stepped up to the mark.
However, it was one of the regulars, Elliot, who started the ball rolling against a very experienced lady player who has beaten some very good players in the past, not least a few from Hart! Elliot made a fantastic start taking the first comfortably whilst his opponent calculated her strategy. For the rest of the match, she was dominant and Elliot was unable to regain the initiative. Whilst deeply disappointed, it was no disgrace losing 3~1 to this lady.
Mac was also having a very difficult game against a young South African who, whilst not the most stylish, certainly kept getting the ball back, much to Mac’s frustration. Mac took the first easily, but lost the second equally so. The 3rd was titanic with Mac fighting every inch of the way and taking it 10~8. Unfortunately the 4th drifted away and with Mac running out of ideas, so did the 5th. O well!!
Zul had his work cut out playing at one and it proved a tough ask – with the ball refusing to die when he wanted it to! He ran and chased but his opponent was too consistent. The ball simply would not die, and a 3~0 defeat ensued.
Swashbuckling Hilmar was back! Ready to take the attack to his opponent and it looked good after the first with a 9~5 win. But would the match rustiness catch up with him? Even stevens in the 2nd up to 6~6, but then the game went away from him and the match was squared up. His opponent seemed to have got the upper hand but there were periods during the next 2 when Hilmar again dominated, picking up a succession of points. But it was not enough and it was another 3~1 reverse.
Cool, calm Rob W (3) was last on and trying to pick up some points. He was relaxed and raring to go, but unfortunately the start was a bit stuttering. Nonetheless he settled and found his rhythm to square the match. The confidence grew & was clearly showing through as he found top form and played his opponent off the court. Rob eased down a bit in the 4th, and his opponent reversed the trend, tying it up again. So, one more game – it was clear that rip-roaring Rob still had loads of energy – and his confident shot-making returned, winning the key rallies with excellent width & length. A very entertaining game with the right outcome – a rewarding 3~2 win for Hart, and the best left til last!

The second team was away to Bounty, located in a tropical paradise on the outskirts of glimmering Basingstoke.

There was a new dog in town (Paul) with freshly clipped claws, & playing like a trusty black family Labrador.  There was no biting in this one; only the nails of those in the gallery. The Dog v2 ran like he was a working game dog on a pheasant shoot with Prince Charles.  With the stamina he showed, his parents must have fed him on the finest pedigree chum since a pup. The game was an emotional marathon roller coaster with long rallies like they were going out of fashion. A fine deserving 3-1 win for the Dog.

Next up was Phil the Silver Fox who still looks younger than his silver locks might suggest.  He was up against another silver fox of similar age but not as good looking.  Our Silver Fox was striking the ball hard and kept away from the baying hounds for a respectable length of time. Both foxes played like wily old foxes but the tricky left handed Bounty fox proved to be a little more cunning with some good length and width. An unlucky 3~1 loss but being asked for ID In the bar was some consolation.

Next up was Ian the Mac daddy. Playing against an opponent who looked like a rare white leopard on the endangered list with his dark beard and white spots. He reminded me of Robin Cousins on ice with the way he moved around the court. Both players took the ball within an inch of its life with every shot, reminiscent of the power used on the spinner-specced SUV by Mrs Tiger Woods when she found out about all the strippers he had been ‘hanging’ with. Mac lost the first, came back strong in the second but just didn’t quite have the luck to clinch it. The third was also close – but no Monica Lewinsky cigar. Mac ‘went down’ well as he always does but a 3 0 loss.

Next up was USS Elliot.  Playing against a bald Swedish looking man, who looked like he drove a Volvo, Eliot thrashed the ball like a Dominatrix madam on a city banker in an S & M den. In the gallery was a TV crew, including a ‘beeper’ operator as the game was aired live. After the first game the operator had to retire with RSI due to the frequency of abusive language. Moreover rackets were thrown to the floor in disgust with the same venom as Wayne Bridge on discovering that Sir John Terry was practicing his ball skills with his wife to be. The Bounty player continued with his VOLVO like consistency and broke Elliot down. Sadly a 3 0 loss.

Last up was the marine machine Knight. Fresh from some altitude training and sports psychology camp deep in the Cotswold’s with Dog v1 (+ WAGS), he had some new regimes to stick to. His opponent was a kiwi who had a backhand worthy of a gladiator slaying slaves in a roman gladiatorial amphitheatre. This being the case ‘the machine’ had suspicions that the Kiwi was in fact the secret love child sired from a night in the squash cupboard between Liz Irving and Jahangir Khan. The Machine ran like a roman warrior through chest high pampas grass in the first game but it wasn’t enough… In deep moments of need, visions of red mist and splintered graphite were replaced with visions of patchwork quilt Cotswold’s countryside.  To add some variety during the moments of need the patchwork quilt countryside was replaced with visions of diving in the Indian Ocean with rare hawk-billed

turtles. Sadly a 3 0 loss, and with ‘the Machines’ empress wife spectating and the shame of loss, he was dispatched to return to the squash cupboard as punishment until victory is secured again on another day……

As we ate dinner with shimmering blue lights in the distance, it felt more like Vegas. We dined on spicy chicken curry along with some carrot pickle fresh from Pakistan. Unfortunately the taste of the Bounty was not as sweet as remembered as the TV advert with bounty trees and naked women. Overall a 4-1 loss but the second team will fight on and triumph again.

We had been warned that Uni were going to be strong and so it proved.  Elliot’s priority of late has been exams, knocking his usual fitness, so a 5 game match would be a challenge.  Well Elliot prefers to do it the hard way, and he found himself 0-2 down, so 5 it would have to be!  With all his usual gusto, the 3^rd and then the 4^th were won.  His opponent was still not finished, but Elliot was showing signs of exhaustion, and despite a valiant effort, the 5^th was 1 game too far.  A 3-2 defeat.

Meanwhile, Zul was playing superbly against a very steady opponent.  Zul had the edge in the 1^st but the problem was maintaining a very high standard of good quality squash, including numerous long rallies.  Again, the fitness factor was the difference, with his opponent having the edge to take the next 3.

Rob W was making a rare appearance at 3, and taking on a conventional and steady opponent.  That will be a clash of styles then!  Rob took a game to warm up (as usual) before imposing some of his renowned shots on the match.  He reached game point but was unable to convert – it could easily have been the turning point – but as it was, the match did not turn and the result was a 3-0 loss.

Rick was not at his best at 4, still suffering a little niggle in his groin, he was unable to threaten his opponent, going down 3-0.

Finally, Paul at 1 was again playing an extremely strong opponent who gave Paul no chance to get into the match – another 3-0 defeat and a heavy 5-0 pasting by Uni.