4/10 – “Early Bath” for the Seconds

Caversham Health & Fitness 2 were the visitors to Hart

1) Paul gets a semi
2) Elliott can’t last the distance
3) Simon runs out of steam
4) Tom pulls a minger
5) Mac’s all huff and no puff

Paul gets a semi

Everyone expects Dog V2 to win these days. Maybe even Chris Locks after Dog’s recent 3-2 win but this was always going to be a tough match against a very evenly matched opponent. The momentum was certainly with Dog when he managed to pull the match back to 2-2. However, with only a little more staying power needed, Dog was clearly demonstrating a hangover from too many nights of midnight babestation and fell away to a 3-2 loss.

At the pub Dogv2 was not in his normal mood and opted for ordering a half pint of semi skimmed milk as his after match drink. True Doggie behaviour.

Verdict: Good staying power but too much practice before the big match.

Elliott can’t last the distance

Short and quick may be the aim for Usain Bolt but Elliott proved there are many other sports where lasting more than 3 minutes without a rest can work in your favour. Lots of grunting and plenty of swinging his racket got him fired up but without any accuracy he was never going to win. Whilst carrying an injury to his achilles he did at least ensure there was no waiting for the outcome and we could all get to the bar early. Result 0-3 loss.

Verdict: Short and not sweet.

Simon runs out of steam

Potentially a very even match loomed when Simon and his ‘partner’ warmed up…and continued to warm up… and continued until I took on the marking and the game began. Very soon, both players were puffing as some high quality squash was played. Even the infamous Simon volley’s were squeezing in and putting pressure on his rather wide armed opponent. However, despite it being very close at 5-5 in the first, a run of errors cost Simon and he soon found himself 0-1 down. The 2nd and 3rd games followed suit with Simon often outplaying his opponent at one minute before letting a few points slip the next. Result 0-3 loss.

Verdict: Too much foreplay and not enough finishing off.

Tom pulls a minger

Despite struggling to digest a bowl of shreddies eaten an hour earlier, Tom walked on court and felt confident of beating the Bradley Wiggins look alike. Admittedly this confidence disappeared when he found himself 0-8 down after eight points, but there was hope…actually no…first game lost 1-9. However, plenty of self-abuse helped kick start the May-engine but tragedy struck when at 3-3 Tom felt a something tear following a rather large lunge. Despite Mac telling me I had left a bollock at the front of the court, it turned out to be his right hamstring which left him only with his natural squash ability left, and no running, to try and win the match. This was never going to work and the pulled hamstring led to an early retirement. Result 0-3 loss

Verdict: Not enough regular action led to an overly pulled muscle.

All huff and no puff

Mac was not feeling well and was suffering from a back injury. However, marking Mac’s game (Dogv2 found ANOTHER excuse not to mark!) was always a pleasure. Deciding not to caress the ball like a ladies breast, he instead opted to whack it like a …………….. [insert own simile] which meant that each point was either an outright winner or slightly below red line tinner. In fairness, for someone not feeling 100%, Mac played well and was close on several occasions to winning each game. Result 0-3 loss.

Overall a 2-20 loss. Potentially our heaviest defeat since Jason Knight played in the team.

Man of the Match: Can only by Dog v2 for ensuring it was not a complete whitewash.



May 3rd – Summer is Underway

After some post-winter order-of-merit shuffling and Stuart pulling out of the 1st team at the last minute, the 2nd team had a new look and shape to it for the first match of the summer season. The team:-

1) Elliott  2) Dog32  3) Simon  4) Tom  5) Mac

First up was Simon against another veteran (In fact I think that all of the opposition were veterans).  Simon’s opponent had a killer boast from the mid court and a matching killer trickle boast from the fore-court.  It took a lost game for Simon to work this out and find a decent length and width.  From then on it was plain sailing, Simon taking the next 3 games for the loss of only 7 points. A good start, 1 in the bag.

Tom, returning from his month-long sabbatical, also had a slow start and dropped the first game against a leftie.  Tom knuckled down though and just kept plodding away, getting everything back and making his opponent play one more shot.  Tom also came through with a 3-1 win.  Later in the pub, Tom waxed lyrical about his new pride and joy (car) and we all cooed over the shiny new (to Tom) Audi  in the car park.

It was Elliott’s opponent’s birthday – there’s commitment for you.  I doubt whether playing Elliott was on his birthday-wish-list somehow.  A sloppy start to the game with both players whacking the s**t out of the ball, with absolutely zero control or finesse, the ball pinged it’s way around the court and seldom approached either a side wall or nick.  A scruffy first game went to the birthday boy.  Games 2 & 3 Elliott was just about unplayable during this period and took these two games with ease.  Game 4 was tight until Elliott started arguing with the marker (Simon).  It appeared that Elliott was now more interested in “getting one over on the marker” rather closing out his match.  This was a poor choice of strategy as birthday boy could now smell the icing on his cake and hung in there to take the match in the fifth.

Mac was next on and was unable to recall exactly when he had last picked up a squash racket.  Sometime in the winter was the best he could do.  Mac was in “whack it” mode and was never really bothered by his opponent winning comfortably 3-0.

Last up was Dog32.  Like Mac, Dog32 never looked like losing and came through his game an easy 3-0 winner.

An early finish (in the pub by 10pm) meant that we failed to witness Howling Laud Hope from the Monster Raving Loony Party arriving for the local election results at HLC.

Overall a 4-1 (19-5) win for Hart 2nd team and a good start to the summer season.

Man of the match goes to Mac on the basis that he will probably be unable to walk for the next few days.

15th Mch: Look Out University………

The 2nd Team trudged off to Temple Wycombe to try an maintain the pressure on University 1 at the top of the table. The team was:
1) Gareth Sutton
2) Rob Barker
3) Paul Kemsley
4) Phil Rea
5) Elliot Stanton
Phil, now to be known as Stato (think back to Skinner and Baddiel’s fantasy football), was up first. Stato knowing all the points and stats for division 2A, was ruthless in dispatching his opponent.  In fact, no sooner had this game started, than it was over.. a good 3-0 win.
Meanwhile Loverboy, with a tight hamstring was playing on the other court.  The scorecard had this as an easy 3-0 win, but Elliot struggled to move well, I guess due to the tight hamstring.
Perhaps Laura can work some magic in time for the remaining league fixture in 2 weeks.
Rob, who was drafted in last minute.. trundled onto the court.. Rob forced his opponent into needless mistakes and had him racing around the court.  Another good 3-0 win.
Gareth, duly ‘promoted’ to the second team, was up against the “young one” from Temple.  Sporting the bandana and yellow trainers, he was no match for Gareth.  Gareth with the experience and guile, dominated the match and another 3-0 win.
So all the pressure was on birthday boy Paul.. at 4-0 and 12-0 (Stato was already on the ball), could he wrap up a grand slam… At 9-0. 9-2 up, it was all looking well… but wait.. Temple had game point in the 3rd game… with the crowd agonising.. Paul managed to get the game back and won the 3rd game 10-8…
Overall a 5-0 win (20-0). The last match at Hart against Uni will be the decider as to who wins the league.
MotM goes to the caterpillar for providing a tasty chocolate dessert.  However Phil also merits the award for being the most ruthless and also confirming he is not a Man Utd fan.  He also picked up Elliot and that deserves recognition.




1st Mch: Herongate Demolished

Hart 2nds are on a roll chasing promotion and with Herongate at the head of the chasing pack, a good result was needed. They were without Rob, but the squad is strong and the team:-
1) Paul K
2) Simon
3) Phil R
4) Elliott
5) Dog32 – but he didn’t get a game – read on

Cue Adrian on arrival – “Herongate are only bringing 4 players” – Suggesting that collectively they are even less keen then we are to make the 50 mile trip – it’s not like we have a pig farmer in our line up or anything (Dog32 excepted)

So Elliott went on first and completely demolished his opponent who didn’t even bother changing out of his trackie bottoms.  Dad Kerry stuck around so that he could take Elliott’s bag home, Elliott feeling that this may cramp his style somewhat for his later partying at the Emporium / Jaxx (The bag that is not Kerry).  Needless to say Elliott disappeared for a long while whilst much hair gel / makeup was applied in the showers.  3-0 win for Elliott and the ball was rolling.

Simon up next.  Made a slow start; shouldn’t have lost the first game but knuckled down to take the next 3 games 0,0 and 5.  Match now won.

Paul K had no bother in dispatching his opponent in 3 games, dropping only a handful of points.

Phil played a tryer who’s game plan seemed to be to whack the s**t out of the ball at every opportunity.  Phil just soaked it all up and only faltered when Simon awarded a sympathetic stroke to his opponent in the 3rd game which resulted in a run of a handful of points for a fellow who looked as though he was about to burst a blood vessel.  3-0 for Phil

Dog32 turned up – there’s commitment for you – and had hits with Phil, Ash and anyone else who was willing.  This could have earned him MotM, but he failed to turn up at the pub (unusual for such an enthusiastic eater) so was obviously eliminated from this evening’s award.

Overall a 5-0 (20-1) win for Hart 2 (our best ever victory against Herongate)

MotM – Simon not eligible as he was the only person to drop a game, Dog32 not eligible as stated above, Elliott not eligible for spending too much time poncing around in the showers and leaving the pub early, which leaves Paul and Phil.  Unable to find any significant reason to deny either of the award – MotM is shared between the two of them.

Second Team Romantics!

A February trip to Aldermaston with a very strong side:

1) Rob Barker (Dog V1) 2) Paul Kemsley  3) Simon Wood  4) Phil Rea 5) Elliot Stanton

With valentines day just recently passed, there was still some love and romance in the air.  Especially as Phil and Simon shared an evening together on Tuesday, getting hot and sweaty on a squash court.
Anyhow, DogV1 was forced on court first as he was the first one there and changed. Somehow the Dog managed to draw this one out to 5 games.  Many excuses could have been made, however all that matters is that DogV1 won 3 games.  At least DogV1 bought a card and flowers for Mrs DogV1 to be!
Mr romantic Phil, who just does not send any valentines cards… took very little time in dispatching his opponent 3-0.  I think Phil would have built up a bigger sweat choosing a valentine card than the match last night.  Oh and he did not send any valentines card!
Simon followed Mr Romantic on court and made slightly harder work of his match than should have. Simon does not send valentines cards (where is your romance Mr Wood!) and informed us he re-uses the same Christmas cards each year (for the past 10 years in fact).  The squash ended, with a 3-0 win….
Paul, who was still in “the land of the love” after spoiling Mrs Kemsley with cards, flowers and takeaway….. started slowly and lost the first game.  When he realised he was actually meant to be playing squash, Paul got on with the matter of squash and won the next 3 games easily.
Elliot who spent the journey, squash warm up, texting the lovely luscious Laura (at least he did buy her a card !!!), flung himself around the court and won his match very easily…. Once handshakes were over, it was back on the phone, texting Laura who had to get to bed early…
Overall a 5-0 win (20-3)
Man-of-the match – This weeks MotM goes to the person who did the most on valentines day and the performance last night.   As everyone won, it was down to the valentine’s night and the effort made with their loved ones…. Therefore the winner is Paul….