Hart Squash

The team for this match:
1) Chris Locks
2) Stefan Stanton
3) Ashley Stanton
4) Gareth Sutton
5) Rob Barker
With the clock showing 8.15 no matches had started, with Hart having players 1,5 and Windsor having players 2,3,4. Options being looked at were to change the order or play doubles. Then miraculously Gareth showed up and normality was resumed.
Gareth was up against an opponent who had his mother watching, ready to whisk him off after the game.  I was not aware that school term had started so soon. Windsor do not provide hot milk and a biscuits for the post squash meal so he had to go home for this.  Anyway Gareth showed his maturity and despite 2 close games, ran away with the match and took an easy 3-0 win.
Chris’ pre-match talk was all about trying hard to make a game of it, knowing that there was a 99.99% chance he was not going to win.  So his best attempt was to get Paul Johnson on court before he had even chance to warm up.  Chris made lots of mistakes; and cries of “no tins”, but kept putting the ball into the tin. Mistake after mistake…. and a 27-1 defeat.
Finally the Stanton sisters turned up looking flustered and more like the pop family “Hanson”.  Yes they sang the mmm bop song.  Ashley went straight on with his mop haircut and american eagle bandana.  There was lots of “come on Ashley” and “thats sh1t” cries from Hanson and at 2-0 down, there were already 25 or so mistakes (yes, press ups).  Despite the continued errors and attempts to hit the ball harder than anyone else,  Ashley Hanson battled on to win the next 3 games. After the match Ashley put the game down as needing the exercise and a good run out. Hmm! Ashley Hanson duly did his 59 press-ups.

Stefan, still not 100% with injury (not sure which one it is this time), played 4 very tight games and at 2-2 the match could have gone either way.  However the injury forced Stefan Hanson to stop in the fifth and concede. At least this meant he could retire to the bar.  The beer came in handy later.
Rob’s opponent turned up late and then had to go home again to get his squash trainers!   Rob cruising to a 2-0 lead and the team win… until Rob stepped off the pace and went into duvet mode.
Struggling to get going, the match was levelled at 2-2.  Stefan needing to provide some encouragement, came down with beer and Rob swiftly drunk 1/2 pint… The sugar boost worked, Rob went back on and took the fifth to win the game 3-2 and the match 3-2.
This meant the first team went out on a high. Overall a 3-2 win (16-11)

After the nasty match 2 weeks ago, the team was looking for a peaceful night of squash.
Rob went on first. perhaps the drill session with Jason and Tom the previous day had put Rob back on track.  Ruthless Rob gave his opponent nothing and dominated this match allowing only 3 points.  Easy win 9-2, 9-0, 9-1.  Good start.
Gareth in a match of casual squash, so casual it wasn’t even at half pace. As casual as a bunch of swingers was the claim in the pub afterwards.  Gareth took the first 2 comfortably, not sure what happened in the third.  It couldn’t have been a case of relaxing because it would have meant dropping into an hypnotic trance. Anyway Gareth woke up in the fourth to take it and the match 3-1.
The match was overshadowed by what Gareth turned up in at the pub; all we can say is Gok Wan nightmare.  It was described as a garish green pattern repeated lots of times. Sorry Gareth, this shirt was shocking, not even Stefan would wear that shirt and his fashion sense is horrific.
Ashley with some sort of grunge or mop haircut (really not sure on the style), played a useful opponent more interested in looking good for the crowd and bordering on a touch cocky.  One rally alone, he played 6 consecutive shots off the back wall.  Ashley still lost the rally!!  After losing the first game 9-1, Ashley blamed the haircut and borrowed Rob’s bandana.  As per the gameshow “Stars in your eyes”, tonight Matthew I am Daniel LaRusso from the Karate Kid.  Suddenly with increased energy and waxing off, Daniel was transformed and took the second 10-8.  However too much sanding the floor left Daniel tired for the third and lost it easily.  The fourth was a battle and we all thought Daniel was going to take it, but managed to let slip to lose it 10-9 and the match 3-1.  Daniel has now gone back up north to finish painting the house!
Stefan well what can we say. His opponent who was expecting another Icelandic roar after playing Robbi previously, was only subjected to a Stefan whimper.  Stefan still coming back from injury that has plagued him for his entire career.  Tried hard but failed.  Losing 3-0.
Chris came (late), saw (not much) and failed to conquer……..losing…3-0.  To be fair to Chris, he is putting in the hours at Lidl’s.  Watch out of this month’s special offer on Lidl’s baked beans!
Overall a 3-2 defeat (15-7)

The cast:

Chris ‘600 series’ Locks

Ashley ‘mad thrasher’ Stanton

Rob the mad dog v1 Barker

James ‘chico’ Woodhall.

Jas ‘the marine machine’ Knight

First on was Rob ‘the Mad Dog v1 (TMD)’ Barker, with a shiny thick coat that looked like his keeper had been feeding him on SA37 healthy coat supplements. His opponent, however, looked like he was midway through his ‘advanced hair studio’ thickening course – the same one Shane Warne advertises! It is an expensive and painful course of treatment so you would expect it to work. Seeing the Dogs coat glimmering with a deep gloss under the court lights, it set the scene for a twisted game of revenge………

The squash went out of the window and Shane Warnes mate was obsessed with winning at all costs. In game 2 TMD sliced a ball with neuro-surgeon accuracy to win the game. TMD walked off the court only to be brought back on when Shane Warnes sidekick (the marker) called it down.  TMD was told to come back only to tasered to the floor like a chav on the run by the marker again & again but he fought gallantly against the two of them. Sadly TMD was cheated by 3 games to 1. His application and dedication deserved my Great Grandads VC from the Boer war!!

On the other court was James ‘Chico’.  He was fresh back from USA having spent much of his time dining in Pink Taco’s. His opponent was an older player with skill and deception. Chico lost the first game quickly, giving away too much court, as much as

Divine Browns cleavage when she ‘nursed’ Hugh Grant in the front seat of his car. Chico turned up the pace for the rest of the match like the speed of Hugh Grants flies going up when he got caught by the LAPD on the highway of heaven with divine brown. He threw in a variety of nice drops & reassuringly the match was marked well & played in a good spirit. A well deserved 3~1 victory for the taco-eating chica hunter.

Jas ‘The Mean Machine’ & his opponent had bonded on the balcony with stories of knee operations and newly sired children.  Martin has had 2 knee operations compared to TMM’s one.  Jason, being a sporting kind man wanted to help to build Martins confidence again knowing the pain and mental anguish that’s experienced on the way back from a bad knee injury. Martin took control of the game and dominated from the start.  There were few long rallies and for TMM it was a disappointing performance and 3~0 loss. On returning home Jas was once again banished to the understairs cupboard.

Next up was Chris ‘600 series’ who unplugged himself from the wall to play the world deaf champion. Martin commented on 600 not sweating and he was right.  After the first game 600 had to change his shoes due to wearing out all the rubber on the soles. The Charters player moved round the court with the grace and ease of the elastic man and retrieved every shot like a Labrador gun dog on speed. A valiant fight from 600 but the scoreline showed a 3~0 loss. It looks like we need to get a T-800 in for the next match.

Last but no least Ashley ‘mad thrasher’, was recovering from a swollen spleen but he put on a fine show. A well-mannered match played in the spirit of English gentry from a rural Sunday cricket match, with cream cakes and scones served by delightful old ladies.

It was clear that there was a close bond between them as they discussed course modules on their university courses. After some serious thrashing which Cheryl Cole would be pound of, the end result was 3-1 loss.

Overall a 4-1 defeat, but the curry in the spinning studio was good.

After being demoted to the first team at the last minute, Rob (5) was on court first. After 3 previous 3-2 matches, why break the norm and again this was a 3-2 match. At 9-2 and 6-1 up, Rob was cruising. However errors and Ashley style drop shots, meant his opponent came racing back to win the second and third games. At 2-1 down, Rob thought enough is enough and stepped back on the gas to win the fourth. With a whole host of Stanton’s watching and the threat of another choke, Rob took the incentive and won the fifth 9-1.
Robbi (1) brought his Mum down to help cheer him on. He needed all the help he could get against a very good opponent! Robbi did not get much from this match and quickly lost 3-0. In the post match analysis (burger and chips in pub), Robbi's mum explained how he was the sweetest and loveliest of her 4 boys. Hmmmm...
Due to my match taking a long time, again I did not have chance to see Gareth play. However his opponent despite making lots of errors, could not handle Gareth's "wasp like" movement around the court. Gareth winning easily and comfortably 3-0.
In a match of the magnitude of a Shabana v Ashour or the movie epic of Kramer vs Kramer.. We had Stanton vs Stanton.  Stefan (3) against uncle Dave.  Stefan knowing that he had a poorly knee (yes I endured the whinging the previous day), fought bravely in a match that could have turned the court into a swimming pool with the amount of sweat being dropped.  At 2-2 this was a tight game, however Stefan felt the tightening around the neck and managed to choke the last, losing 9-0.
Chris (2) having turned up late due to working late (must have been a sale on in LIDL's), played a canny opponent who just did not play orthodox squash.  Chris with one eye on Silverstone and the other, well somewhere else.. did not put his opponent under pressure and struggled to make an impact. Chris making too many errors lost 3-0. Overall a 3-2 defeat (16-8)

10/6/10 – Wellington: Simon (5) was up first against a very useful opponent. You would say not the worst number "5" in the league. Unfortunately not much really happened for Simon and he lost 3-0.

Rob (4) used the "Quaver" technology racquet & tried to hit his opponent off the court "Ashley style". However much like Ashley he lost the first.  A few words of advice from Stefi to “slow it down” worked to some extent but he still lost the second.  Whether it was his opponent’s tiredness or something else, Rob then took charge and stormed the next two games 9-2, 9-0.  At 8-2 in the decider, Rob played a lovely reverse boast to win the match. However, the ref called its down & Rob, in shock, lost 5 easy points. Fortunately there was another chance & he made no mistake, winning 3-2.

Gareth (3) unusually made too many mistakes against his opponent, who dominated and ran out a comfortable 3-0 winner.

Chris (1), fresh from his holiday in Cyprus was looking anything like up for a game of squash. Whether he was still thinking about cocktails round the pool or casting his eye around for the topless women on the beach, he was never in this game and lost comfortably 3-0.

Last up Stefan (2), looking determined to get Hart 3 more points. There was no stopping Stef, totally dominating his opponent, and never took his foot off the gas. His opponent made too many mistakes and Stefan won this comfortably 3-0. Overall a 3-2 defeat, but not close as the previous match was.