Hart Squash

The team for this match:
1) Chris Locks
2) Stefan Stanton
3) Ashley Stanton
4) Gareth Sutton
5) Rob Barker
With the clock showing 8.15 no matches had started, with Hart having players 1,5 and Windsor having players 2,3,4. Options being looked at were to change the order or play doubles. Then miraculously Gareth showed up and normality was resumed.
Gareth was up against an opponent who had his mother watching, ready to whisk him off after the game.  I was not aware that school term had started so soon. Windsor do not provide hot milk and a biscuits for the post squash meal so he had to go home for this.  Anyway Gareth showed his maturity and despite 2 close games, ran away with the match and took an easy 3-0 win.
Chris’ pre-match talk was all about trying hard to make a game of it, knowing that there was a 99.99% chance he was not going to win.  So his best attempt was to get Paul Johnson on court before he had even chance to warm up.  Chris made lots of mistakes; and cries of “no tins”, but kept putting the ball into the tin. Mistake after mistake…. and a 27-1 defeat.
Finally the Stanton sisters turned up looking flustered and more like the pop family “Hanson”.  Yes they sang the mmm bop song.  Ashley went straight on with his mop haircut and american eagle bandana.  There was lots of “come on Ashley” and “thats sh1t” cries from Hanson and at 2-0 down, there were already 25 or so mistakes (yes, press ups).  Despite the continued errors and attempts to hit the ball harder than anyone else,  Ashley Hanson battled on to win the next 3 games. After the match Ashley put the game down as needing the exercise and a good run out. Hmm! Ashley Hanson duly did his 59 press-ups.

Stefan, still not 100% with injury (not sure which one it is this time), played 4 very tight games and at 2-2 the match could have gone either way.  However the injury forced Stefan Hanson to stop in the fifth and concede. At least this meant he could retire to the bar.  The beer came in handy later.
Rob’s opponent turned up late and then had to go home again to get his squash trainers!   Rob cruising to a 2-0 lead and the team win… until Rob stepped off the pace and went into duvet mode.
Struggling to get going, the match was levelled at 2-2.  Stefan needing to provide some encouragement, came down with beer and Rob swiftly drunk 1/2 pint… The sugar boost worked, Rob went back on and took the fifth to win the game 3-2 and the match 3-2.
This meant the first team went out on a high. Overall a 3-2 win (16-11)

The third team set off for Reading University feeling fairly confident until we arrived and the opposition welcomed the Hart second team.

It did not look too hopeful as Mac informed us he played football for the first time in 15 years at the weekend, said he sprinted down the pitch like a young gazelle for first 10 minutes then the hamstring went. Only playing today to make up the numbers. Good omens then.

On with the match, Mac and Kerry went on first. As he predicted Mac made short work of his match, only prolonged when out of pity opponent started hitting ball back to him, so a 0-3 loss

Kerry started slowly, sped up in the middle and then slowed down again, a 1-3 loss.

Tom said he was in a hurry, 42 points later the score was 0-0 and marker was looking desperate as each ralley was about 42 shots as well. The Chinese was booked for 10.00pm and we were all getting worried. Match finally came to life but not in our favour 0-3

Meanwhile Elliott was playing a friend of Stefan who in the home match only let Simon have 3 points, so not much chance here. However, Elliott had not read the script and played like a man possessed for a creditable 2-3 defeat.

Could Paul give us something to cheer at 5? He started well and comfortably won the first game, but something went wrong & fortunes were reversed. He was now 1-2 down but he was fighting hard with lots of long rallies. Finally his opponents legs were gone, problem Paul was 4-8 down by then, he pulled it back to 7 but that was it. 1-3 and 0-5 overall.

So next we took on the Chinese, the starters kept coming but Tom was eating fast and with support from Kerry there was only one winner so a convincing 1-0 to Hart. The main courses were more tricky as they could not all fit on the table, Kerry with commendable effort managed to clear some space but it was still looking tough but then Paul arrived from the showers. So with a fine effort another round to Hart. Now for the tough one, dessert, and we were one down as Tom had to go (some excuse about going on holiday in the morning). The fresh fruit was sliced and ready for us but now we were only 4. Never fear Elliott and Mac had been saving themselves and Kerry, well he had never looked in trouble. Final score Hart 3 – Chinese Buffet 0.

Based on the Thundercats, playing tonight were:
1. Snarf (Mac)
2. Cheetara (Tom )
3. Lion-O (Ashley)
4. Panthro (Dave W)
5. Tygra (Sohail)

New faces in the third team tonight whilst many of the old guard are away tanning themselves. Tygra was on first and after playing every Saturday Club Night for the last 23 years, he knew exactly how to handle such a player. He came on court fired up playing tight and neat squash. Despite valiant efforts from the opponent running everywhere, Tygra roared to victory with a comfortable but well-taken 3-0 win.
Meanwhile, whilst the first team were still waiting to get on court, Panthro was fighting out a close battle. Controlling the T, both players were hitting the ball as hard as they could, hitting nicks, reverse boasts and lots of down the walls, but after 15 minutes they finished the warm-up. With the opponent expert in ‘twatting a ball’ neatly, Panthro tried to match him only to quickly find himself 9-2 down. Thankfully, it wasn’t long before his opponents large beer gut made Panthro realise that perhaps a drop would be useful (plus a bit of advice from above) and so the match changed. Drop after drop, the game was soon wrapped up as a 3-1 victory.
Lion-O, King of the number 3 position for the thirds and the new version of the Honda Civic, came on court and snarled his teeth. His large lungs and appetite for the chase led him to a 2-0 head-start over the poor gazelle. But, as with all large cats, the legs gave way and the gazelle regathered, laughing in the face of poor Lion-O. 2-2. After a rollicking from Tygra, Lion-O went back on court and drew blood, decapitating the gazelle with some excellent play, winning the decider 9-0. Another victory and a guaranteed win for the thirds.
Cheetara, normally a cute sexy-arsed feline wearing the kind of tight lycra only ever seen on Jason in the winter months, was in fact a hairy arsed gorilla of a cat. However, he started well, winning the first 9-1 only to find that his opponent decided to lob everything to his back-hand. A cross between Keith Ward and Barker (there’s a thought) the lobs kept coming and the mistakes crept in until, alas, the game was sadly over and a 3-1 defeat.
Finally, Snarf..Snarf…the mascot of the team and ready for battle. After winning the first with some tight boasts and ground-pounding running, the second was tight, lost only by a couple of tins. Bring on the third. and Snarf found himself at 8-8. Despite blowing like Divine Brown in a LA car park, he opted for 2 shots and unluckily lost the game. Whilst the third slowly ebbed a way, it was agreed on another day, Snarf would have won and deserved at least a 3-2 defeat.
Nonetheless a 3-2 win for the thirds. Promotion beckons on this form. Thunder, thunder, thunder….

Team:

James ‘chico’ Woodhall

Simon ‘the axe man’ Wood

Paul ‘the chemist’ Kemsley

Jason ‘the marine machine’ Knight

Elliot ‘UFC’ Stanton

This week the seconds traveled to Herongate in Hungerford; a journey that was so far it felt like we were arriving at Everest base camp in Nepal!

The courts had a unique sound to them as the ball ricochet off the walls – some would say louder than Casey stoner v4 Ducati motogp bike at full throttle.

First up was the Axe man, playing a crafty unorthodox slicer whose USP was his cheeky trickle boast. The axe man was forced to round as fast as Paul McCartney chopping up Heather Mills spare peg leg. It was one-a-piece and then to 2 all. But the Axe man dug in like an ice axe from a desperate climber falling down an icy slope, and came back stronger than Geoff Capes on speed. A fine 3-2 victory.

Elliot ‘UFC’ was playing a slightly older guy with a pair of Telly Savalas clear lenses on. They seemed to work initially forcing Elliot into more errors than Michael Fishs hurricane prediction software in 1987. Playing on court as angry as former UFC world champ Chuck Liddell after losing his 4th consecutive comeback fight. However UFC managed to hang on like Sylvester stallone in cliffhanger and grab a good 3-2 victory

Next up was the Marine Machine who, fresh from a recent service and fine-tuning at Huskie Dog’s, looked ready for action. Continuing with the New Game plan from the last training camp, cross-courts were used with restraint. Despite occasional loss of concentration, resulting in ‘cross courts R us’ , MM went 2 games up. And visions of another week spent in the damp understairs cupboard ensured that there were no slip-ups, so like a scene from ‘Spartacus blood and sand’ MM had a well deserved 3-0 victory.

The Chemist put his late arrival down to concoction mixing at home. There were some long rallies but the usual clinical shot making (like that of an Al qaeda bomb maker) seemed to forgo him. Sadly a 3 nil loss. So it’s back to the laboratory this week to mix a new improved concoction for the next match.

Last on was Chico. The ball was as hot as his la Chica and running round as fast as Jordan’s breasts bouncing up and down in a half- marathon  – it was going to be a fast match! The ball was launching off strings like an apache launched missile hunting down Bin Laden. There were some nice long rallies – as long as Tiger Woods but unfortunately no cigar. And too many mistakes – matching as many notches on Jenna Jameson’s bedpost – led to a 3-0 loss and some more pink taco required.

But overall a 3-2 victory – onward and upward

After the nasty match 2 weeks ago, the team was looking for a peaceful night of squash.
Rob went on first. perhaps the drill session with Jason and Tom the previous day had put Rob back on track.  Ruthless Rob gave his opponent nothing and dominated this match allowing only 3 points.  Easy win 9-2, 9-0, 9-1.  Good start.
Gareth in a match of casual squash, so casual it wasn’t even at half pace. As casual as a bunch of swingers was the claim in the pub afterwards.  Gareth took the first 2 comfortably, not sure what happened in the third.  It couldn’t have been a case of relaxing because it would have meant dropping into an hypnotic trance. Anyway Gareth woke up in the fourth to take it and the match 3-1.
The match was overshadowed by what Gareth turned up in at the pub; all we can say is Gok Wan nightmare.  It was described as a garish green pattern repeated lots of times. Sorry Gareth, this shirt was shocking, not even Stefan would wear that shirt and his fashion sense is horrific.
Ashley with some sort of grunge or mop haircut (really not sure on the style), played a useful opponent more interested in looking good for the crowd and bordering on a touch cocky.  One rally alone, he played 6 consecutive shots off the back wall.  Ashley still lost the rally!!  After losing the first game 9-1, Ashley blamed the haircut and borrowed Rob’s bandana.  As per the gameshow “Stars in your eyes”, tonight Matthew I am Daniel LaRusso from the Karate Kid.  Suddenly with increased energy and waxing off, Daniel was transformed and took the second 10-8.  However too much sanding the floor left Daniel tired for the third and lost it easily.  The fourth was a battle and we all thought Daniel was going to take it, but managed to let slip to lose it 10-9 and the match 3-1.  Daniel has now gone back up north to finish painting the house!
Stefan well what can we say. His opponent who was expecting another Icelandic roar after playing Robbi previously, was only subjected to a Stefan whimper.  Stefan still coming back from injury that has plagued him for his entire career.  Tried hard but failed.  Losing 3-0.
Chris came (late), saw (not much) and failed to conquer……..losing…3-0.  To be fair to Chris, he is putting in the hours at Lidl’s.  Watch out of this month’s special offer on Lidl’s baked beans!
Overall a 3-2 defeat (15-7)