Hart Squash

First on Helmand court against local rivals Fitness First was Chris at 2, who unfortunately was too ill even to make his opponent sweat. Not even the thought of defeating yet another Stanton (Dave) could shift the illness. No family loyalties were apparent as Kerry and Elliot both shouted encouragement to Chris, but he goes down 3-0.
Meanwhile, Gareth (4) was finally back in action after a calf injury on court 7, plugging away heroically to a 2-1 lead. The long time out of the game took its toll and Gareth lost the final 2 games. 3-2 loss but a valiant effort all things considering.
With the match at 0-2, it was time for a comeback…..
James at 5 was off to a flying start in a jovial match, and on a mission to leave as much of his skin on the court as possible by attempting Agassi type dives around the court. This all seemed fun at the time until the showers afterwards when the water hit all the grazes….girl like screams could be heard from the changing rooms. All the effort resulted in a 3-1 win with Stefan saying James needed a slap for losing a game…..
So Stefan (3) went on court and lost his first game. Brought it back to 1-1 saying “won that 9-2, gonna win the next 9-2 too”……… He won it 9-4, but not before being stuck at 7 for eternity. Must have been the young female watching that caused this relapse…….. Which then continued into a dreadful 4th game. 2-2. Was the curse of female spectators gonna strike? No, Stefan wins 3-2, with Stefan composed again and the lady went off with the opponent. Not fair!
So it was down to the Iceman (Robbi) to seal the victory against an opponent that had two shots, lob and drop. Problem was, he was very, very good at them. The Iceman melted away to a 3-0 defeat in an uneventful match.

As the seconds did not have a match, the thirds had a strong side and were hopeful of causing an upset against Basingstoke, one of the strongest teams in the division.

First on was Mac, who pulverised his opponent with hard-hitting squash, and just to confuse his opponent, a few drop shots as well. A 3~0 win.

On t’other court Smiler Rick was playing excellent squash - (a pity the match is not best of 3) – 2~0 up & then the wheels came off; Rick trundled into a siding and could not regain the magic ingredient that would give him the steam to cross the finishing line.

5th string was Pete who played really well. First game was nip and tuck with Pete coming back to edge it 10~9, a brief dip in the second was followed by a great 3rd game in which he did little wrong (and played some drop shots!). It was looking good, but unfortunately his opponent had other ideas and turned it around. A 3~2 loss.

Jason had a tough day at work; it took him a while to get his bearings and he found himself 0~2 down, but he then worked things out. 2~2 playing really well, but then his opponent turned everything on its head again and won the 5^th. That was a shame.

Finally, we had Elliot taking to the stage for his performance – starting at 10pm, it was a bit past his bed-time, but nonetheless it started well, 9~3. Then his opponent began to dominate and the next 3 games were not so good. A 1~3 loss.

A 4~1 defeat but we made them work very hard for it – dinner was a little cold by the time the players arrived at the Prince of Wales.

Thursday 28th Jan v. Greenacre 1 It was gonna be a tough one for the Hart Hounds out for walkies on a cold winters night in Fleet.
On first was the ‘terrier like’ Woodhall snapping at the heels of a miserable opponent, a fast paced game that could have gone either way, but tonight – not ours. James played well but goes out with tail held high 1-3.
Meanwhile, disgruntled at being kicked off his Helmand court, ‘St Bernard’ Wood galloped around court, but it was he that was in need of rescue and a shot of rum as he went down 0-3. We’ll put this down to not being on his favoured Helmand court.
’Scandinavian Huskey’ Haldorsson was next on in a very well mannered close match for the first 3 games, 1-1, then 9-10 in the third leaving ‘Huskey H’ 1-2 down with all to play for. The growls and howls became whimpers as too many mistakes saw our furry Icelandic giant bed down in his kennel for the night with a nice blanket losing 1-3.
The noise and call challenging signalled #1’s were on court, ‘Greyhound’ Dan making a slow start going 0-2 down. He picked up the scent in the third and fought back to 2-2, and with Chris keen to leg it from marking duties to play his match, Robbi marked the final game with a commanding presence. Dan smelt blood and the win was his, 3-2.
Finally, with time getting on, ‘Red Setter’ Locksy in striking blue attire and matching blue drink, hit the court to out-run his opponent. Even after the first game his opponent was knackered; by the end of the second he looked like a drowned rat. At 7-1 up in the third Chris’ opponent exclaimed “Aren’t you f-ing knackered yet?”, and we were all sure there was no way this guy was going to 5 games……..
2-2 – Very small patch of sweat spotted on front of shirt, opponent gets 3rd wind
22:35….we’re all very hungry at this point
At this time it seemed all the comfy doggy blankets in the world descended on court 7……Chris grabbed his doggy bag along with a 2-3 loss and headed for the door…..the rest of us headed to the Prince of Wales.
Hart lose 1-4 (7-19)

First up on the north pole (court 7), was L’il Gruesome (James).  Despite L’il G not really starting on all cylinders, he comfortably ran away with a 3-0 victory.  However note must be made that throughout this game, there was a great similarity to Ashley.  Mistake, tin, unforced errors.. In fact, the few points that L’il G’s opponent got, mostly came from L’il G’s mistakes. Down at the south pole (court 6), The Sergeant (Simon) blasted his way through the snow and ice to a very easy win.  Mr Blast was very consistent – 9-1. 9-1. 9-1; giving his opponent a token point in each game.  Mr Blast can be a very charitable man! Next to the north pole was Blubber Bear (Paul) playing the granddad of the other team.  Blubber was totally dominant and just about broke sweat in the 3rd game.  Easy 3-0 win.

Wrapping up warm in winter woollies, Gravel Slag (Jason) next battled his way to the south pole.  The court was getting colder and Gravel Slag had the worst opponent.  Mr slow and I mean Mr slow.. 12 bounces of the ball before each serve.. every shot was either a lob or a drop shot & the match became a real battle as no real squash could be played.  Gravel Slag got more frustrated as the game went on.  At 2-2 and 9-9 in the fifth, this could have gone either way!  In the back corner, 2 eskimos had set up camp with their huskies!  The crowd was watching on, frozen with anticipation, but thankfully, Gravel Slag managed to reach the pole first and snook a 3-2 win.
Last up to the north pole was Muttley (Rob), who had the incentive to get maximum points for the team and also to gain revenge for defeat to the same opponent in the first game (away).  Muttley also had the added pressure of a looming challenge match against L’il G and the fact that L’il G would be watching, taking notes. Muttley did not disappoint and stormed to an early 2-0 lead.  Despite a slight loss of concentration in the third and the tightening of muscles due to the arctic conditions,  Muttley dug in deep and won the fourth.
Overall a deserved 5-0 win (20 points to 3)

Having risen from 3rd string in the 3rd’s to 5^th string in the 2nd’s (follow!!), I knew we were in for another tough night. Coupled with the fact we were playing the Army my worries were only compounded.

There was of course a knock-on effect for the third team & before I go on, I should just mention Adrian won 3-1 playing at 5 for the 3rd’s (Ed.: O shucks, it was nothing!)

On first was Rob W, playing some cr*p squash. After a first game drubbing, he regrouped & came back on – and again played cr*p squash. No amount of shouting moaning and smacking the ball around the court (in between points I might add) helped. He appeared for the 3^rd in a much better frame of mind, however he again continued to play cr*p squash and lost the third, 0-3.

Did I mention Adrian won 3-1 playing at 5 for the 3rd’s! (Ed: cant say I remember!)

On the other court Elliot was strutting his stuff, and it seemed that the superglue holding his chin to his chest had been removed. His recent elevation in the Order of Merit had obviously rubbed off well & he played like a new man, even returning the ball to his opponent when he lost a point. He was made to work hard for his points but always seemed in control. Can’t remember who won what and when but I do know he won the last game! 3-1 WELL DONE ELLIE!!!!!!

Next on was Paul K at 1, looking very bemused at his opponents multi coloured strings. Trouble was he spent the first game looking at them too much and didn’t notice the ball. After getting contact numbers for his opponents ‘re-stringer’ (could be a made up word!) Paul returned to his casual clinical style and took the second quite comfortably. However it wasn’t to last and he succumbed to the pressure of not offering a multi coloured re-stringing service and lost the next 2, 1-3.

You’ll never guess what but Adrian has just come off court playing at 5 for the 3rd’s and had won 3-1 (Ed: How does he do it?!!!)

Next on was Richard and Hilmar. For Richard see Rob above!!!!!!!!!!

For Hilmar I have know idea as I didn’t see his game and he never made it to the pub. I did here the usual roar of a pussy cat, and no doubt the marker was rubbish, other than that I can’t offer much insight in to his demise, 1-3 (I think).

Overall a 4~1 defeat.

P.S. Paul would like to point out that it was just a coincidence that the rackets used by the 4 losers were re-strung by him and he continues to offer an excellent service (make your own mind up) He will also be offering a multi coloured string in the New Year.

P.P.S. Adrian won at No.5 for the 3rd’s, 3-1

Didn’t see much of the third team action but think it went like this:

Mac 1-3 – Loads of effort, minimal reward

Kerry 3-2 – It was an “epic”, a match that Kerry enjoyed, not sure about the spectators!

Paul B. 3-0 – Maintaining a 100% record

Dave 3-1 – A winning return to the team

ADRIAN 3-1 – Its all been said before!