Hart Squash

The second team was away to Bounty, located in a tropical paradise on the outskirts of glimmering Basingstoke.

There was a new dog in town (Paul) with freshly clipped claws, & playing like a trusty black family Labrador.  There was no biting in this one; only the nails of those in the gallery. The Dog v2 ran like he was a working game dog on a pheasant shoot with Prince Charles.  With the stamina he showed, his parents must have fed him on the finest pedigree chum since a pup. The game was an emotional marathon roller coaster with long rallies like they were going out of fashion. A fine deserving 3-1 win for the Dog.

Next up was Phil the Silver Fox who still looks younger than his silver locks might suggest.  He was up against another silver fox of similar age but not as good looking.  Our Silver Fox was striking the ball hard and kept away from the baying hounds for a respectable length of time. Both foxes played like wily old foxes but the tricky left handed Bounty fox proved to be a little more cunning with some good length and width. An unlucky 3~1 loss but being asked for ID In the bar was some consolation.

Next up was Ian the Mac daddy. Playing against an opponent who looked like a rare white leopard on the endangered list with his dark beard and white spots. He reminded me of Robin Cousins on ice with the way he moved around the court. Both players took the ball within an inch of its life with every shot, reminiscent of the power used on the spinner-specced SUV by Mrs Tiger Woods when she found out about all the strippers he had been ‘hanging’ with. Mac lost the first, came back strong in the second but just didn’t quite have the luck to clinch it. The third was also close – but no Monica Lewinsky cigar. Mac ‘went down’ well as he always does but a 3 0 loss.

Next up was USS Elliot.  Playing against a bald Swedish looking man, who looked like he drove a Volvo, Eliot thrashed the ball like a Dominatrix madam on a city banker in an S & M den. In the gallery was a TV crew, including a ‘beeper’ operator as the game was aired live. After the first game the operator had to retire with RSI due to the frequency of abusive language. Moreover rackets were thrown to the floor in disgust with the same venom as Wayne Bridge on discovering that Sir John Terry was practicing his ball skills with his wife to be. The Bounty player continued with his VOLVO like consistency and broke Elliot down. Sadly a 3 0 loss.

Last up was the marine machine Knight. Fresh from some altitude training and sports psychology camp deep in the Cotswold’s with Dog v1 (+ WAGS), he had some new regimes to stick to. His opponent was a kiwi who had a backhand worthy of a gladiator slaying slaves in a roman gladiatorial amphitheatre. This being the case ‘the machine’ had suspicions that the Kiwi was in fact the secret love child sired from a night in the squash cupboard between Liz Irving and Jahangir Khan. The Machine ran like a roman warrior through chest high pampas grass in the first game but it wasn’t enough… In deep moments of need, visions of red mist and splintered graphite were replaced with visions of patchwork quilt Cotswold’s countryside.  To add some variety during the moments of need the patchwork quilt countryside was replaced with visions of diving in the Indian Ocean with rare hawk-billed

turtles. Sadly a 3 0 loss, and with ‘the Machines’ empress wife spectating and the shame of loss, he was dispatched to return to the squash cupboard as punishment until victory is secured again on another day……

As we ate dinner with shimmering blue lights in the distance, it felt more like Vegas. We dined on spicy chicken curry along with some carrot pickle fresh from Pakistan. Unfortunately the taste of the Bounty was not as sweet as remembered as the TV advert with bounty trees and naked women. Overall a 4-1 loss but the second team will fight on and triumph again.

After being demoted to the first team at the last minute, Rob (5) was on court first. After 3 previous 3-2 matches, why break the norm and again this was a 3-2 match. At 9-2 and 6-1 up, Rob was cruising. However errors and Ashley style drop shots, meant his opponent came racing back to win the second and third games. At 2-1 down, Rob thought enough is enough and stepped back on the gas to win the fourth. With a whole host of Stanton’s watching and the threat of another choke, Rob took the incentive and won the fifth 9-1.
Robbi (1) brought his Mum down to help cheer him on. He needed all the help he could get against a very good opponent! Robbi did not get much from this match and quickly lost 3-0. In the post match analysis (burger and chips in pub), Robbi's mum explained how he was the sweetest and loveliest of her 4 boys. Hmmmm...
Due to my match taking a long time, again I did not have chance to see Gareth play. However his opponent despite making lots of errors, could not handle Gareth's "wasp like" movement around the court. Gareth winning easily and comfortably 3-0.
In a match of the magnitude of a Shabana v Ashour or the movie epic of Kramer vs Kramer.. We had Stanton vs Stanton.  Stefan (3) against uncle Dave.  Stefan knowing that he had a poorly knee (yes I endured the whinging the previous day), fought bravely in a match that could have turned the court into a swimming pool with the amount of sweat being dropped.  At 2-2 this was a tight game, however Stefan felt the tightening around the neck and managed to choke the last, losing 9-0.
Chris (2) having turned up late due to working late (must have been a sale on in LIDL's), played a canny opponent who just did not play orthodox squash.  Chris with one eye on Silverstone and the other, well somewhere else.. did not put his opponent under pressure and struggled to make an impact. Chris making too many errors lost 3-0. Overall a 3-2 defeat (16-8)

10/6/10 – Wellington: Simon (5) was up first against a very useful opponent. You would say not the worst number "5" in the league. Unfortunately not much really happened for Simon and he lost 3-0.

Rob (4) used the "Quaver" technology racquet & tried to hit his opponent off the court "Ashley style". However much like Ashley he lost the first.  A few words of advice from Stefi to “slow it down” worked to some extent but he still lost the second.  Whether it was his opponent’s tiredness or something else, Rob then took charge and stormed the next two games 9-2, 9-0.  At 8-2 in the decider, Rob played a lovely reverse boast to win the match. However, the ref called its down & Rob, in shock, lost 5 easy points. Fortunately there was another chance & he made no mistake, winning 3-2.

Gareth (3) unusually made too many mistakes against his opponent, who dominated and ran out a comfortable 3-0 winner.

Chris (1), fresh from his holiday in Cyprus was looking anything like up for a game of squash. Whether he was still thinking about cocktails round the pool or casting his eye around for the topless women on the beach, he was never in this game and lost comfortably 3-0.

Last up Stefan (2), looking determined to get Hart 3 more points. There was no stopping Stef, totally dominating his opponent, and never took his foot off the gas. His opponent made too many mistakes and Stefan won this comfortably 3-0. Overall a 3-2 defeat, but not close as the previous match was.

We had been warned that Uni were going to be strong and so it proved.  Elliot’s priority of late has been exams, knocking his usual fitness, so a 5 game match would be a challenge.  Well Elliot prefers to do it the hard way, and he found himself 0-2 down, so 5 it would have to be!  With all his usual gusto, the 3^rd and then the 4^th were won.  His opponent was still not finished, but Elliot was showing signs of exhaustion, and despite a valiant effort, the 5^th was 1 game too far.  A 3-2 defeat.

Meanwhile, Zul was playing superbly against a very steady opponent.  Zul had the edge in the 1^st but the problem was maintaining a very high standard of good quality squash, including numerous long rallies.  Again, the fitness factor was the difference, with his opponent having the edge to take the next 3.

Rob W was making a rare appearance at 3, and taking on a conventional and steady opponent.  That will be a clash of styles then!  Rob took a game to warm up (as usual) before imposing some of his renowned shots on the match.  He reached game point but was unable to convert – it could easily have been the turning point – but as it was, the match did not turn and the result was a 3-0 loss.

Rick was not at his best at 4, still suffering a little niggle in his groin, he was unable to threaten his opponent, going down 3-0.

Finally, Paul at 1 was again playing an extremely strong opponent who gave Paul no chance to get into the match – another 3-0 defeat and a heavy 5-0 pasting by Uni.

10/6/10 – Beechdown:-  Tom (1) arrived late having visited Bounty amongst many other venues in Basingstoke and was pleased to see both Pete (4) and Paul (5) looking fresh faced as Ashley (3) was starting to warm up. So the story goes, they both already won their matches but no one else was there to verify this and not a drop of sweat! Score card for Pete read 9-2, 9-0, 9-0 and for Paul 9-1, 9-1, 9-1. Good start boys.

Tom went on court against a ‘tricky’ opponent. ‘Tricky’ because he could play squash and the first was ‘conceded’ 9~3 whilst Tom worked out his strategy – making his move in the second. Moving into a 6-1 lead things looked good, only for the tin to “join forces” with the opponent and he ended up losing the 2nd. The third, and the crowd, disappeared quickly with Tom cursing the mighty tin and reflecting on what might have been, if only he had hit the ball a little higher!

Ashley meanwhile was still warming up by the time Tom had finished. He was playing a guy who should have given up wearing sleeveless yellow tops a long time ago, & it probably contributed to Ash losing the first 9-3. But with some steady squash and a good length, he won the second, dropped the third, won the fourth and so…to the decider. Going 5-1 down, things did not look good, but greater consistency won the day, slowly taking it 9-5.

Phil (2) arrived minutes before last orders to play his match and appeared confident. Unfortunately, the pre-match talk was led by Tom and soon enough, Phil found himself 2-0 down. Despite further words of advice from the team, his opponent played very steadily and Phil was unable to turn things around.

Still an excellent 3-2 win overall.