Hart Squash

First up on the north pole (court 7), was L’il Gruesome (James).  Despite L’il G not really starting on all cylinders, he comfortably ran away with a 3-0 victory.  However note must be made that throughout this game, there was a great similarity to Ashley.  Mistake, tin, unforced errors.. In fact, the few points that L’il G’s opponent got, mostly came from L’il G’s mistakes. Down at the south pole (court 6), The Sergeant (Simon) blasted his way through the snow and ice to a very easy win.  Mr Blast was very consistent – 9-1. 9-1. 9-1; giving his opponent a token point in each game.  Mr Blast can be a very charitable man! Next to the north pole was Blubber Bear (Paul) playing the granddad of the other team.  Blubber was totally dominant and just about broke sweat in the 3rd game.  Easy 3-0 win.

Wrapping up warm in winter woollies, Gravel Slag (Jason) next battled his way to the south pole.  The court was getting colder and Gravel Slag had the worst opponent.  Mr slow and I mean Mr slow.. 12 bounces of the ball before each serve.. every shot was either a lob or a drop shot & the match became a real battle as no real squash could be played.  Gravel Slag got more frustrated as the game went on.  At 2-2 and 9-9 in the fifth, this could have gone either way!  In the back corner, 2 eskimos had set up camp with their huskies!  The crowd was watching on, frozen with anticipation, but thankfully, Gravel Slag managed to reach the pole first and snook a 3-2 win.
Last up to the north pole was Muttley (Rob), who had the incentive to get maximum points for the team and also to gain revenge for defeat to the same opponent in the first game (away).  Muttley also had the added pressure of a looming challenge match against L’il G and the fact that L’il G would be watching, taking notes. Muttley did not disappoint and stormed to an early 2-0 lead.  Despite a slight loss of concentration in the third and the tightening of muscles due to the arctic conditions,  Muttley dug in deep and won the fourth.
Overall a deserved 5-0 win (20 points to 3)

Having risen from 3rd string in the 3rd’s to 5^th string in the 2nd’s (follow!!), I knew we were in for another tough night. Coupled with the fact we were playing the Army my worries were only compounded.

There was of course a knock-on effect for the third team & before I go on, I should just mention Adrian won 3-1 playing at 5 for the 3rd’s (Ed.: O shucks, it was nothing!)

On first was Rob W, playing some cr*p squash. After a first game drubbing, he regrouped & came back on – and again played cr*p squash. No amount of shouting moaning and smacking the ball around the court (in between points I might add) helped. He appeared for the 3^rd in a much better frame of mind, however he again continued to play cr*p squash and lost the third, 0-3.

Did I mention Adrian won 3-1 playing at 5 for the 3rd’s! (Ed: cant say I remember!)

On the other court Elliot was strutting his stuff, and it seemed that the superglue holding his chin to his chest had been removed. His recent elevation in the Order of Merit had obviously rubbed off well & he played like a new man, even returning the ball to his opponent when he lost a point. He was made to work hard for his points but always seemed in control. Can’t remember who won what and when but I do know he won the last game! 3-1 WELL DONE ELLIE!!!!!!

Next on was Paul K at 1, looking very bemused at his opponents multi coloured strings. Trouble was he spent the first game looking at them too much and didn’t notice the ball. After getting contact numbers for his opponents ‘re-stringer’ (could be a made up word!) Paul returned to his casual clinical style and took the second quite comfortably. However it wasn’t to last and he succumbed to the pressure of not offering a multi coloured re-stringing service and lost the next 2, 1-3.

You’ll never guess what but Adrian has just come off court playing at 5 for the 3rd’s and had won 3-1 (Ed: How does he do it?!!!)

Next on was Richard and Hilmar. For Richard see Rob above!!!!!!!!!!

For Hilmar I have know idea as I didn’t see his game and he never made it to the pub. I did here the usual roar of a pussy cat, and no doubt the marker was rubbish, other than that I can’t offer much insight in to his demise, 1-3 (I think).

Overall a 4~1 defeat.

P.S. Paul would like to point out that it was just a coincidence that the rackets used by the 4 losers were re-strung by him and he continues to offer an excellent service (make your own mind up) He will also be offering a multi coloured string in the New Year.

P.P.S. Adrian won at No.5 for the 3rd’s, 3-1

Didn’t see much of the third team action but think it went like this:

Mac 1-3 – Loads of effort, minimal reward

Kerry 3-2 – It was an “epic”, a match that Kerry enjoyed, not sure about the spectators!

Paul B. 3-0 – Maintaining a 100% record

Dave 3-1 – A winning return to the team

ADRIAN 3-1 – Its all been said before!

First up was Pockets (Kim), making a guest appearance. He hasn’t been playing much lately due to injury and to while the time away had been indulging in a new training regime involving ice-cream and chocolate. This was fairly apparent to the gallery during his game and although there were a few nice touches, Pockets managed only to accumulate 11 points to his opponent’s 27 and so succumbed 0-3.

Then it was Sergeant Blast’s (Simon) turn to wear the first team “cannon-fodder” badge this week. Perfect Peter informed SB that his opponent was “like me”. Armed with this knowledge SB set about attempting to crack his opponent across the bridge of the nose knowing that this may result in a premature end to the game. Unfortunately the tactic did not come off, and it was he who controlled the match! However, SB kept the white flag well hidden and battled away – though he too only managed a tally of 11 points going down 0-3.

Penelope (Stefan), attired in a more “masculine” outfit played a shocker. The word “disgusting” was heard to reverberate around the club both during and after the game. Penelope complained that she “couldn’t hit the ball” and that all she did was to feed his opponent. The “feeding” bit continued later as Penelope resorted to comfort eating by demolishing both hers and Perfect Peter’s supper together with an unspecified quantity of doughnuts. Another 0-3 defeat.

Perfect Peter (Chris) attempted to bring some dignity to the team, & took the first game with some fast and furious squash. His opponent stayed with him and the next couple of games were tight, though Peter was edged out in both. The final game and Peter didn’t have enough weapons to draw level and so went down 1-3. PP left early (no shower again) and so enabled Penelope’s feeding frenzy.

Danny was last on playing a youngster in a “British Open” T-shirt.

This match, like Peter’s was another cracking and good-humoured game and although Danny went down 0-3, there were a couple of breakers and it was nip-and-tuck all the way.

Overall a 0-5 (1-20) defeat for Hart

Bounty so far this season were unbeaten and top of the league….you know what’s coming don’t you! Mac knew Richards opponent and he said he was keen to watch the match. Unfortunately Mac’s opponent had arrived and so he had to go on at the same time as Richard. Fortunately he was stuffed 3-0 and so got to watch Richards game after all. Richard was however 1-1, having lost the first game (never a good sign). But, buoyed by the responsibility of the No.1 spot (yes I know it’s the 3rd team) he continued to grind down his opponent, and the marker, who walked off in a huff, and won, yes won!!!!!!!!! 3-1, 6-9, 9-3 9-3 9-2.. On went The Smith (Ashley), and blimey was he on form. There’s little to say about the ‘match’ as The Smith played so bloody well. I have to concede that it’s a long time since I’ve seen anybody middle the ball on practically every shot played, he was GOOD. Only allowing his opponent 5 serves The Smith won 3-0, 27-0. Superb squash!! One more win and we would done what no other team had managed this year, and what Adrian must only have dreamed about. Next up Elliot who managed a comfortable win 3-0. However the elder statesmen of the team conceded that in fact Elliot needed to be a little more brutal in his squash and questioned why he walks around the court with his chin stuck to his chest?? He was also given a few stern words on his etiquette, “remember Elliot when you loose a point you give the ball back to your opponent!!” So there you have it, we couldn’t lose. Paul at 5 had nothing to gain and everything to lose…he didn’t want to sit with Mac in ‘****ers corner’. However, he was quickly 2-0 down and looking beaten. With the return of his team mates from the shower (make your own mind up but Mac, Smith and Stanton all appeared together), Paul found a new lease of life and took the third. Quite frankly Richard was miffed as he was marking and was keen to experience the delightful beers on offer. The Smith took over & Paul rapped up his match in fine fashion playing some great shots, winning 3-2, and Hart, the winners 4~1. Fantastic!

Muttley got promoted to cannon-fodder for the firsts and the ever-amiable Prof joined Max and SB for the long trek down to Hungerford. The Prof (Phil) was first up against Gor-Don of the drop-shot.. Wherever Prof hit the ball, the reply was a drop-shot. Straight drops, angled drops, cross-court drops, boast-drops, volley-drops. Even the normal cheery sparkle on the Prof’s face dropped. The Prof dropped the first leg 3-0. Meanwhile Red Max (Hilmar) was winding-up the tempo, not to mention his opponent on the other court. The highlight was Max’s opponent losing his rag at the Icelandic roar. After some 3-way discussions between players and marker it was decided that as Max was being neither rude nor un-sportsman-like, just very LOUD. Max was too strong for his now partially deaf opponent and came through in 3 games. Sergeant Blast (Simon) mis-fired his way around the court and later complained that the courts were so noisy that he couldn’t hear the ball on his opponents racket. Anyway, despite being “in” the first 2 games, SB failed to win enough points (too many mistakes) and soon found himself 2-0 down. There was some hope in the 3rd as SB got to 9-8 but then played a couple of scruffy points to lose the 3rd 10-8. Blubber Bear (Paul) was more of a Grizzly Bear in his game. He never really got going, the air was blue and the marker was delusional – awarding strokes instead of no-lets almost exclusively to Grizzly’s disadvantage. Grizzly managed to sneak a game but it ended 3-1 to Herongate. Clyde (Ian) was last on. His opponent was late because he had been playing elsewhere earlier – an ominous sign. Clyde battled hard and gave his opponent a lot of bother, particularly in the 3rd but a few errors from Clyde and almost error-free squash from his opponent was telling. Clyde went down 0-3 and the team 4-1.